Why'd you sing hallelujah
if it means nothing to you?
Why'd you sing with me at all?
-Damien Rice "Delicate"

It's 5:30 on the feast of All Saints and instead of walking into church and finding myself surrounded by organ music and the rising scent of incense, I'm getting out of my car and heading into the house.

I'm a terrible person.

Or so it seems these days.

I don't know if I left CSB with an over-developed sense of Catholic guilt, or if I really have something to feel guilty about, but I have been screwing my relationships over madstyle lately. I've never been very good at any sort of relationship--I'm a crazy introvert most of the time and have been known to freak out and disappear for long stretches of time when I feel overwhelmed. Today has been one of those days. It's also one of the days when I need to go to church the most, but I'm lazy and tired and have had a bad day at work, so I'm skipping. I'm going to regret this later.

And I do. I regret a lot lately. Not the least of which is the fact that I didn't finish my oblation before I left CSB. I'm "out in the world" (to use a monastic term) and trying to figure out what I'd actually give up to go join the order, and I don't have the roots that I need in the community. It may be a blessing in disguise, but I can't figure out what I'm missing if I A) don't have it to begin with and B) don't have anything to contrast it to.

The impact that interpersonal relationships have is so unbelievable. I mean, potentially one really great relationship could turn me away from the life that I both dread and long for. At the same time, the idea of a celibate life in a monastery seems terrifying and something I'm not cut out for. But, again, the right interpersonal relationship could change that.

Logically I know that this is something I should be spending more time praying about. That's part of the problem. I can't seem to walk in to a church lately without hearing am extremely distinct call. I'm sick of it. I want to spend my time in my 20s being in my 20s. I want one last bit of irresponsibility before I settle in to whatever vocation I'm supposed to have.

The worst part about the whole thing? Try telling other 23 year olds that you're contemplating a life devoted to God & celibacy and learning and trying in some small way to bring about the kingdom on Earth. Sometimes I wonder if I'm nuts just for considering it.

Ahhh well. I'm feeling cranky and pubescent today, and I don't know why.

I'm going to go listen to some sad bastard music and feel cranky & pubescent on my own. I'll be better next post.