Troughs

He will set them off with communication of His presence which, though faint, seem great to them, with emotional sweetness, and easy conquest over temptation. But He never allows this state of affairs to last for long. Sooner or later He withdraws, if not in fact, at least from their conscious experience, all those supports and incentives. He leaves the creature to stand up on its own legs--to carry out from the will alone duties which have lost all relish. It is during such trough periods, much more than during the peak periods, that it is growing into the sort of creature He wants it to be. Hence the prayers offered in the state of dryness are those which please Him most.

From The Screwtape Letters.

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Talk about troughs, I'm in a doozy of one lately. I was chatting with a friend tonight, trying to lay my finger on what about my faith life isn't working lately. It's not a problem of disbelief, or of dogma. For once I'm actually ok with the Magisterium and what's going on in Vatican City. I don't hate Paul's letters, I'm not wrestling with triangle diagrams or big T Truths and little t truths. So what the heck is the problem?

Something a friend from the theo department said came flooding back.

I feel like I'm so trained to get God with my head that I've forgotten how to get God with my heart. I feel like someone's ripped it straight out of my chest.

Bam! Suddenly everything makes sense--somewhere along the way, I've lost my love for the Catholic mass. I don't know where it went, but it's not around anymore. I'm waiting and waiting to feel something while I'm in church, but it's not happening (aside from the stupid, stupid vocational thing). I still believe in the Transubstantiation, the necessity of receiving the Eucharist as well as the necessity of hearing the word, I want desperately to be part of a community of believers, but something hasn't been right when I've been attending mass. Now it's all coming together. When I go, I feel like my heart's been ripped straight out of my chest.

The worst part about this? I don't know how to fix it and I don't know anyone else who's in the same predicament, so I don't even know where to start. Would it be better to stop going for awhile and go back when I miss it? Is it better to keep going weekly and wait for my heart to come back to me?

Do not be deceived, Wormwood. Our cause is never in more danger than when a human, no longer desiring, but still intending, to do our Enemy's will, looks round upon a universe from which every trace of Him seems to have vanished, and asks why he has been forsaken, and still obeys.

-The Screwtape Letters