Make Good Art.

-Neil Gaiman

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

The Price of Admission

Draft II

The Price of Admission


Draft

The Price of Admission

You’ll never again be certain that anything
you do, or say, or feel—you in your worst moments
or your best—will really be yours anymore.
They may be examined, prodded, rewritten,
revised, recapitulated to make you better
or worse than you really are. People you don’t know
will know—or think they know—all about you.
You’ll need to have real or convincingly fake excitement
about everything from theology to young adult fiction to cooking.
You need to block off your calendar for homemade
breakfasts and fresh ground coffee ever Saturday,
which you’ll need to eat with the quiet pleasure
of someone still a little sleepy, but utterly content.
Mid-week adventures are a must. Sometimes fishing
illegally underneath the stars. Other times, driving for
hours to tour country churches,
abandoned for years and overgrown with wildflowers.
Hand-holding, in public. The occasional surreptitious kiss,
stolen next to the watermelons at the farmer’s market.
Tolerating the brief crying jags, particularly during concerts,
movies, and after reading Pride and Prejudice. Snuggling is a must,
as is politeness to wait staff, prompt completion of chores, and
unquestioning support for the Milwaukee Brewers, Mary Oliver, and Rhubarb pie.
Is it worth it? Truthfully, I’m not sure myself.
No one has ever stayed until the end.

Happiness, Late Summer

A draft

Happiness, Late Summer

Short shorts and blanket in a patch of backyard sunshine.
Drowsing over a novel about which
I will never have to write a paper
or even say anything remotely impressive.
There are bees in black-eyed Susans and lilies.
Ripe chokecherries and new apples on the trees.
Sweat beads and rolls off the side of my lemonade glass.
The neighbor's grandchildren shout to one another
just over the fence. And you--there--in my doorway.
Wearing that green shirt I love and smiling.
Lemonade pitcher in one hand, radio in the other
wondering if I'd like to listen to the baseball game.

Saturday, August 8, 2009

The Worst Thing You Can Tell a Man is That You Never Even Considered It

A response to my friend Mark's poem "The Worst Thing You Can Tell a Woman is Not to Fall in Love With You"

The Worst Thing You Can Tell a Man is That You Never Even Considered It

First, you should slap him, but with

your hand. Not your eyes

which aren’t espresso brown,

or even hazel, but green.


And enough with the piazza and the Chianti.

The next thing you know it will be candlelight

and long dresses—your clavicle will make him think of God


Truthfully, it was on a Wednesday afternoon over pizza and Miller Light

in the bowling alley two blocks from your house.


The “who the fuck part” is correct. It may even have been a little more colorful.


When he blushes and his gaze flickers

roll your eyes and tell him exactly what

you’re thinking

You’re an egomaniac.


Go to him, two months later,

with the dress and the clavicle and the Chianti.

Put your head in his lap

and show him it’s not love.

But something else entirely.

Jesus Brings Green Jello To Dinner

Draft

Jesus Brings Green Jello to Dinner

He is very late. Later even than crazy great-aunt Margaret,
who's bringing World War II guns as presents this year.
The kids have fallen asleep after asking for gifts all afternoon.
Uncle Bill is drunk on eggnog, singing Frosty the Snowman.
Cousin Alice fought with her latest boyfriend.
He stormed off. She locked herself in the bathroom.
My brothers smoke a joint in the driveway.
Ma and I bicker in the kitchen over Grandma's
stuffing recipe and the now dry turkey.
When the doorbell finally rings, the sleeping children and dogs erupt,
and there he is, all smiles and apologies.
"Here, I brought you something," he says,
extending a wobbly green mold, celery bits suspended inside.
Ma and I accept it graciously, we hope, already knowing
it will remain untouched.

Thursday, August 6, 2009

Application

POTENTIAL BOYFRIEND APPLICATION FORM
DATE: ___-____-____

POSITION: ______________________________________________

FULL NAME: ______________________________________________

PRESENT ADDRESS:
_____________________________________________ (Out of state applications accepted)

HOME PHONE: _____________________ MOBILE: _________________________

SOCIAL SECURITY NUMBER: _____-______-_______

DATE OF BIRTH: _____-_______-_____

KIND OF RELATIONSHIP DESIRED (please circle): CASUAL OPEN LONG-DISTANCE LONG- TERM OTHER (please describe)_____________________________________________________________

AVAILABLE START DATE: _____-______-______

MINIMUM HOURS PER WEEK: ____ MAXIMUM HOURS PER WEEK: ____

HAVE YOU EVERY BEEN CONVICTED OF A CRIME: YES / NO (please circle)
IF YES PLEASE EXPLAIN: ______________________________________________

HAVE YOU EVERY BEEN ACCUSED OF AN EMOTIONAL CRIME: YES / NO (please circle)
IF YES PLEASE EXPLAIN: ______________________________________________



EDUCATION HISTORY

TYPE OF SCHOOL: ______________________________________________

NAME OF SCHOOL: ______________________________________________

LOCATION: ______________________________________________

YEARS ATTENDED: _________________________________________

QUALIFICATION OBTAINED: ______________________________________________

GPA: ______________________________________________

STANDARDIZED TESTS, DATES, AND SCORES: ______________________________________________

HONORS ACHIEVED: ______________________________________________


TYPE OF SCHOOL: ______________________________________________

NAME OF SCHOOL: ______________________________________________

LOCATION: ______________________________________________

YEARS ATTENDED: _________________________________________

QUALIFICATION OBTAINED: ______________________________________________

GPA: ______________________________________________

STANDARDIZED TESTS, DATES, AND SCORES: ______________________________________________

HONORS ACHIEVED: ______________________________________________


DATING HISTORY:

NAME OF PARTNER: _________________________________________________

DATES OF RELATIONSHIP: ______________________

REASON FOR LEAVING: ____________________________________________


NAME OF PARTNER: _________________________________________________

DATES OF RELATIONSHIP: ______________________

REASON FOR LEAVING: ____________________________________________


NAME OF PARTNER: _________________________________________________

DATES OF RELATIONSHIP: ______________________

REASON FOR LEAVING: ____________________________________________


REFERENCES (please, no “Bromances”):

NAME: ______________________________________________

RELATIONSHIP: ______________________________________________

PHONE NUMBER: ________________________________


NAME: ______________________________________________

RELATIONSHIP: ______________________________________________

PHONE NUMBER: ________________________________



NAME: ______________________________________________

RELATIONSHIP: ______________________________________________

PHONE NUMBER: ________________________________

Please attach a current resume/curriculum vitae and tax return

Please continue on to next page


QUESTIONNAIRE:

ARE YOU OR HAVE YOU EVER BEEN A MEMBER OF ONE OF THE FOLLOWING ORGANIZATIONS: National Rifle Association, People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, The Republican National Party, The Green Party, The Libertarian or Constitutionalists Parties, or Pro-Life America?

HAVE YOU EVER GIVEN MONEY TO ONE OF THE AFOREMENTIONED? IF SO, PLEASE EXPLAIN YOUR MOTIVATION FOR GIVING:

PLEASE LIST THE PERIODICALS AND NEWSPAPERS YOU READ REGULARLY:

PLEASE LIST THE FIVE MOST INFLUENTIAL BOOKS YOU’VE READ:

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN COMPARED TO A LUMBERJACK?: YES/NO

WHAT ABOUT A COWBOY?: YES/NO

WHAT ABOUT A CARPENTER?: YES/NO

HAVE YOU READ THE ESSENTIAL RUMI?: YES/NO

DO YOU DANCE?: YES FREQUENTLY, ON OCCASION, NEVER

DO YOU SMOKE?: YES, YES, BUT TRYING TO QUIT, NO, BUT USE OTHER TOBACCO PRODUCTS, NO

COMPLETE THE FOLLOWING:

Pride and Prejudice is:

a. Among the greatest novels ever written.

b. A snoozer, but I read it.

c. A chick flick starring Keira Knightley

d. A novel that’s been on my “To read” list for ages

The women I’ve dated in the past are:

a. Crazy. All of them.

b. Great women and still friends, but not the right fit romantically.

c. Virtual.

d. Now taking religious vows

The best way to get over a bad day is to:

a. Go running

b. Drink a glass of wine and curl up on the couch with the baseball game

c. Snuggle

d. All of the above

My Mother:

a. Still does my laundry

b. Lives just around the corner

c. And I have a healthy, although adult, relationship

d. Is a raging bitch

Poetry:

a. Is a necessary part of understanding our world

b. Makes me sleepy

c. Is for women and gay men

d. Is something I regularly write out on napkins and read to complete strangers at poetry slams

How often do you go fishing?:

a. A few times a week

b. A few times a month

c. A few times a year

d. Never

Shows on HBO:

a. Are the devil’s work—all glamorized sex, drugs, and violence

b. Some of the most innovative television writing I’ve ever seen

c. I don’t know—I don’t own a television and don’t watch tv online

d. Are amazing, but I prefer Joss Whedon’s work

Extreme displays of geekiness (here defined as enthusiasm for comics, fascination with medieval siege weaponry, ownership of more than three young adult fantasy series) in the opposite sex are:

a. Endearing

b. Horrifying

c. Awesome

d. A and C

Five adjectives to describe yourself: _____________________________________________________________________________________

Top three most frequently played albums in your Itunes: _____________________________________________________________________________________


Without looking up the answers, complete the following to the best of your ability (bonus points for added lines, titles, and authors):

It’s a dangerous business going out your front door…

Young people say, “What is the sense of our small effort…”

I never wanted to be your weekend lover…

You know those days when you have the mean reds…

For beauty is nothing…

Jesus don’t cry…

Charm is deceptive and beauty…

They look like caricatures of used car dealers from Dallas, and sweet Jesus…

Character IS fate…

A horse! A horse…

Congratulations! You have completed the application for the position of Kelly’s Boyfriend. If you have included a valid telephone number you will be contacted within two weeks of dropping off your application if you have been selected for an interview. Please do not call to request the status of your application.

Sunday, August 2, 2009

This is Just to Say

A little outside my normal scope.

Draft

This is Just to Say

That I did not eat the plums in the icebox,
that you were probably saving for your girlfriend,
the one who comes over mornings while I'm at work.
But the cheesecake you asked me to make for our anniversary?
That, I filled d-Con. Forgive me, I had been baiting mice
before making it. And the box was so near.
And I was so angry.