Popsicle

And I, all I really want is you,
you to stick around.
-Gavin DeGraw "Follow Through"

I've never been one of those people who wears my emotions proudly. It's not that I'm a robot, or that I think emotions make me weak. I just don't happen to think that they're really anyone else's business. I don't "wear my heart on my sleeve." Good Grief, I think the only two times I've ever cried in front of another person were when my Grandfather died and when I didn't get honors for my thesis. (I know. . .two almost related instances. I can't explain it.)

I once had a friend tell me that I wasn't the kind of girl you would take home to meet your mother I was "the kind of girl you would f*ck before taking your girlfriend home to meet your mother."

We don't talk anymore.

But before that conversation was over, I found out that the reason he didn't deem me worthy of meeting his mother was because I'm apparently quite cold. An ice princess, one might say. But apparently with enough sex appeal to be worth casual public-bathroom sex.

To this day I'm still not sure if he meant this as a compliment.

It's strange how some comments can stick with you for forever. That one has never quite gone away and has always given me pause to consider how I handle my own/other people's emotions, particularly the negative ones. I've never been good at comforting another person while they're crying--I usually run out of the room to make tea and either A) Let them cry it out or B) Leave it to other, more capable people. I'm sure that if I felt the need to talk to a therapist, they would tell me that I need to let it all out all of the time. But, to tell you the truth, I've never had much respect for people who can't exercise restraint. That's what poetry and music is for, right? An appropriate medium in which to express all those restrained (repressed?) emotions.

But then why does society (vast generalization) put such a premium on being emotional? Any time a girl keeps things to herself she's cold, or standoffish, or selfish, or a variety of other things. If she's emotional she's more human? What the hell is that?

Ugh.

Oh. The catalyst for this particular bit of drivel? Kevin's staying in China a second year. I'm not dealing with it well.

Think about you all the time.
It's strange and hard to deal.
The wind's feeling real these days.
Yeah, baby, it hurts me some.
Never thought I'd feel so blue.
Ryan Adams "Dear Chicago"