David and I have been dating for almost 18 months and making crispy tofu still eludes me.
It's maddening.
His current shifts have him working until late--8:00 or 8:30PM and I take a lot of pride in having something delicious on the table when he comes home. Eggplant parmesan, homemade root vegetable pot pie, stuffed squash and mashed potatoes--anything that gives me something to do in the evenings and makes it so he has something to look forward to after a long shift on a snowy evening.
Tonight I've been trying to make a crispy tofu stir fry and the tofu turns out fine, I guess. But it's not what I wanted for him.
It upsets me more than it should.
* * *
When I'm feeling truthful, I'll admit I knew something was wrong in my last relationship.
Of course I did. There were so many indications that my ex and I didn't belong together, that we weren't really compatible. I briefly thought about calling off our wedding about a month before it happened, but I felt like I was too far into it.
I wasn't brave enough to admit that we were failing.
I lived on comfort food during the years with my ex. Hotdish, pasta carbonara, anything that was a simple carb. Anything that was both comforting and that I didn't actually care how it turned out.
Just thinking about my diet now makes me shudder and realize two things.
I was deeply in love.
I was profoundly unhappy.
* * *
"Jesus, it's hot in here."
"Yeah, the air-conditioner has never been very good. Do you need anything?"
"Water?"
He gets out of bed and heads toward the kitchen. Before he gets there he doubles back and puts on a record.
"I think you'll like this."
He turns on an artist from his hometown--someone I've never heard before. I space out for much of the record in the way you do when you're happy and in love and in the moment.
Then there's a lyric that catches me. It's funny how that happens, isn't it?
This is the most content I've been in years.
***
I've been hesitant to write too much about David.
I wrote a lot about the ex and our relationship and I'm superstitious. I haven't wanted to jinx what I have.
I've also spent a lot of time thinking about my marriage vs. my relationship with David.
I'm not going to do yet another post-mortem of my marriage. My ex doesn't deserve that kind of thought. What I will say is that I feel like I have a partner in everything. I have someone who has my back and who loves me, even on our worst days. This is the most loved, supported, and . . . I don't know, seen I've ever felt.
I think a lot about that song he played me when we first started dating.
Never gonna be perfect, but I'm still gonna try.
Closest thing I'll ever get is you by my side.
We've been through such a ridiculous, maddening, infuriating year. Between COVID and layoffs and elections, I feel like there's so much that could have--should have gone wrong in a relatively new relationship. And we're still together. I'm still deeply in love and profoundly happy.
I still give a shit about how the tofu turns out.
