"This is going to end in with me stuffed in the trunk of a car somewhere."
"You're being dramatic."
"Or, best case scenario, it's going to be a repeat of BDF."
"You never did tell me what that meant. I resorted to Urban Dictionary."
I cackle. "Yeah, that's not the right definition. It's just shorthand that . . . one of my more ruthless friends came up with to describe that whooooooole situation."
"Oh. Oh. Oh. "
"Got it?"
"Yeah."
We're quiet for a little while before she says, "Seriously, though. So you have one more BDF adventure, so what? Although, I really think that made you learn your lesson."
"Don't be such a slut?"
"Yeah, you hussy. And, what happens if it does happen again? You go off dating for another few months, you settle down. You get back into it again. The law of large numbers means you have to find someone you don't dislike eventually."
"The fact that you just invoked the law of large numbers to demonstrate your point makes me want to date you."
"Yeah, well. That's your classic Catch-22. The amount of alcohol it would get me to agree to that is greater than the amount of alcohol that would cause me to pass out. So stop equivocating and just do it."
"I hate when you're right."
"Just don't be stupid."
***
It's official.
I now have a pickup line. An actual, honest-to-goodness, I think you're cute and would like to get to know you better line. And, somewhat weirder, it actually seems to be effective.
"Can you tell me how a warp drive works?"
First of all, let's get one thing straight. I know how a warp drive works. I'm neither an idiot nor a scifi newbie.
I've also only used it a couple times, in situations where I can be reasonably certain of success (The Source, tabletop game nights, online dating), and while I haven't met anyone to date long term as a result of it, it has started some interesting conversations about physics (if I'm really lucky), comic books, and the merits of the various Trek franchises.
Mildly disingenuous? Yeah, okay. A good way to start a conversation when you're shy and the chances of that cute, skinny guy in the Picard vs. Kirk shirt also being shy are pretty high? Absolutely.
There are worse approaches.
***
She peeks over my shoulder and starts laughing.
"You should start a Tumblr of these."
"WHY WOULD YOU THINK ANYONE WOULD WANT TO SEE THAT?"
"Do I need to get your paper bag?"
"Okay. So. One gross photo. Fine. Whatever. Maybe this doesn't have to be soul-crushing."
"Are you pep-talking yourself?"
"Yes, fuck you, I am. Did you see that thing? It was like The Spooky Old Tree!"
"You realize you're the only person in the world who has to pep-talk themselves into filling out an online dating profile? And that you've ruined that beloved book for me, right?"
"IT'S AN ACCURATE DESCRIPTION. And, screw you. I'm a shy introvert who's scared of serial killers. What do you want from my life?"
"Seriously. Get some therapy about the serial killer thing."
***
It takes an hour and a half back on OkCupid before I get my first "Ew, gross" message.
In fewer than twenty-four hours before I receive one invitation for a FFM, four messages that are, shall we say, forward, and a surprising number of offers for explicit pictures.
Oh, OkCupid. I really didn't miss you at all.
Right. So. I'm back to online dating.
Before the Spidey-Senses of my female relatives start tingling, let me be very clear about something. I'll own up to a few "lady protesting too much" moments in my life. I will. But everything I wrote during July and August about being happy being single, that still holds. I freaking love being single. Yesterday I went for an impromptu dinner with a close friend. Then I came home, opened a beer, and played Civ IV for three hours and then watched the Lizzie Bennett Diaries until I fell asleep straight down the middle of my bed, with my rattley fan in the window and snuggled in with all the blankets.
It was great.
I'm not just whistling in the dark. I take a lot of pleasure in my life the way it is. It's full of people I love, work I find meaningful, passtimes I enjoy. My life is better than I ever imagined it was going to be. But at the same time, I recognize that it might be nice to surprise someone on Saturday morning with scones and have someone with whom I can talk about books and play video games and have sex afterwards. It's possible to love being single and acknowledge that my life could be a richer place with a partner in it.
I'm the Schrodinger's Cat of relationships.
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