Shot at the Night

"So, you know, just don't get clingy. You aren't the only egg in my basket."

I sit up, mouth hanging open.

It takes a special kind of arrogance to tell the woman lying next to you, after having performance related issues all night but before telling her "Yeah I don't care. That sounds like a personal problem," not to be clingy.

He continues. "Well, I mean, right now you're the only egg in my basket. I'm having trouble meeting people."

"I'm pretty shocked to hear that."

He doesn't hear the sarcasm.

"I know, it's really hard, isn't it? But I'm just trying to to be honest with you."

I'm no longer in the mood to pull any punches.

"Well. While we're being honest. My parents' thirty-third wedding anniversary is coming up, two of my best friends are marrying one another tomorrow, I just had my heart stomped on about two months ago, and I'm coming off a five year intimacy hiatus, so . . ."

"You're using me?"

"Merely assuring you that I have no intention of becoming clingy."

***

"Give me my fucking cell phone back." 

I am pretty clearly displeased with what's been happening.

I seem to have finally made myself clear.

Someone has installed Tinder on my phone. Not only installed Tinder on my phone, but has also set up a profile and started looking for hookups for me. Against my express "Haha, funny. Knock it off. I don't want you to do that." 

It takes about a second and a half for me to uninstall Tinder. Once it's off, I slam out of the party I'm at, sit down in a lawn chair out back, and start crying.

I don't know how many different ways I can say "I'm not interested in this."

I never thought it would have to be more than one.

***

We're in a bar off Bourbon St. when Michelle checks her phone, smirks, and tells me:

"Your friends are trying to convince me to get you laid while you're here."

I give her a nuclear eye roll. "Yeah, I can guess which one wants you to set me up with a one night stand." I take a drink of my beer. "I'm an emotional trainwreck right now. This trip is a gift and I fucking hate one night stands under the best circumstances. So, really, I appreciate the thought, I really wish people would be actually helpful instead of stupid helpful right now."

She snickers. "I would have been shocked if you would have taken me up on it." She finishes her own beer. "And it would have made sharing our bed complicated." 

"Yeah. Sorry. I'm really not interested."

"Why are you apologizing for not being a whore?" 

We get the giggles so badly we momentarily drown out the band.