What came first, the music or the misery?

What came first, the music or the misery? People worry about kids playing with guns, or watching violent videos, that some sort of culture of violence will take them over. Nobody worries about kids listening to thousands, literally thousands of songs about heartbreak, rejection, pain, misery and loss. Did I listen to pop music because I was miserable? Or was I miserable because I listened to pop music?--High Fidelity

About a month ago, my friend John was browsing through my itunes playlist Top 25 Songs.

“Holy crap.” He said.

“Wait! I can explain the Beyonce! I listen to her while I’m stretching before a run.”

“No. It’s not that. Although, I call bullshit on that. Do you realize you’ve played the song “Crown” by Mason Jennings 300 times?”

“Uhhh. Yup.”

I am, at 25, becoming something of a connoisseur of break-up songs. I think heartbreak and misery are just functions of being in your 20s, much like financial and personal instability and the inability to live in the same apartment for more than a year. They’re part of a person’s first tentative steps into adulthood and understanding yourself and what you want out of your life and your partnerships. Thankfully, while I’m a self-described Romantic I do have a strong dose of Prosen family pragmatism. I don’t believe in destiny, fate, soul-mates, or “the One” for a variety of reasons (which is a whole different post). This, I think, has made dealing with the whole dating/breaking up aspect of my adult life exponentially easier. I never have second thoughts about someone being the one person out of billions for whom I was meant. If we clicked really well, it was just a testament of chemistry, and I’ll have equal or greater chemistry and attraction to another person soon enough.

I don’t want to come across as heartless here. Breakups, regardless of belief in destiny or fate are still wrenching and leave me feeling discombobulated and wondering if a future full of cats and stacks of old newspapers isn’t really that far off. Like many people, I have my list of go-to’s when a break-up happens. The girlfriend who’s always your wingwoman, the bottle of bourbon on hand for drowning your sorrows, the dress that makes you feel like a million dollars, the guy who reminds you that you’re stunning, brilliant, and hilarious. More importantly, however, I have the go-to list of songs that inevitably make me feel better.

5. Crown: Mason Jennnings

What can I say, really? It has 300+ plays on my itunes and has been the soundtrack to one of the more complicated and difficult relationships of my adult life. Mason understands love and falling into and out of it better than many other songwriters I’ve heard.

Favorite lyric(s): It just kind of happened or so she said/she was drinkin’ and lonely/you know now the rest/he was nothing/he was happenstance/she says she loves me still/wants a second chance

4. Jolene: Ray LaMontagne

This is my favorite feeling-sorry-for-myself breakup song. Something about Ray’s voice gets me every time. The song is so wistful and self-loathing it pretty much sums up the gigantic puddle of self-pity/self-destructive behaviors that I seem to indulge in every freakin' time a relationship ends.

Favorite lyric: I still don’t know what love means

3. Don’t Think Twice: Bob Dylan

I’m not talking about the later, wistful “I wish my love wouldn’t have left me" recording. In one of the earlier recordings, Bob is straight up pissed and rightfully so—it’s as though he’s talking to every person who’s ever strung you along in some kind of emotional purgatory. I love it because it gets at the self-absorption of so many of us in our failed relationships. Thank you, Bob.

Favorite lyric(s): Well, I ain’t sayin’ you treated me unkind/you could have done better but I don’t mind/you just kinda wasted my precious time/but don’t think twice, it’s all right

2. For Emma: Bon Iver

Lyrically sparse and absolutely beautiful, this may be one of my all-time favorite songs. It may be because I knew the story behind For Emma, Forever Ago before I actually heard the album, but this song is so loaded with emotion, it’s incredible. Additionally, I just think it’s pretty.

Favorite lyric(s) Go find another lover/to bring-a/to string a-long/for all your lies/you’re still very loveable.

1. Leavin’ On Your Mind: Patsy Cline

Every time I’ve had an actual broken heart, the remedy for the first night freshly single is a glass of bourbon and my Patsy Cline greatest hits album. I grew up on Patsy, and I still think that she conveys the conflicting feelings you seem to inevitably have for your ex better than anyone. This is one of my two favorite Patsy songs (the other is “She’s Got You”). I love this one particularly because I feel like everyone’s been in the situation of knowing someone’s getting ready to leave you but lacking the guts to end it before they can hurt you. Oh man. It doesn’t get much better than Patsy.

Favorite lyric: Hurt me now, get it over/I may learn to love again.

Honorable mention:

She’s Got You: Patsy Cline

For all of the aforementioned great Patsy characteristics, except this song is about looking at all of your ex’s stuff and realizing that he’s happy without his favorite things as long as he has his new girl.

Favorites: I’ve got your picture and it’s signed with love/ just like it used to be/the only thing different, the only thing new/I’ve got your picture/she’s got you