Silver Bullet

"Have you tried online dating?"

If you are a single woman over the age of twenty-two (and living in the Upper Midwest, I can't speak to what it's like elsewhere) you will get this question, on average, two hundred times a month.

The people who ask it are always incredibly well meaning, invariably married, and did not meet their spouse through online dating.

Seriously.

I have a number of friends who have met their partners through Match or through OkCupid or through [insert latest dating fad site here] and never once has one of them recommended that I try online dating. Most of them heave huge sighs of relief when they talking about meeting someone and finally getting off of their dating site. "The people were so weird," or "I honestly worried that one of my dates was a serial killer. He had dead fish eyes," or "It just got overwhelming" are sentiments I hear often over dinner.  I've also never met another person using online dating who has encouraged me to join. Usually their responses range from "Meh" to "It's completely undignified" to "It makes me want to jump in the Mississippi."

But I still get the question. Like registering for OkCupid is the goddamn silver bullet to the heart of singleness.

I hate(d) OkCupid, for a lot of reasons (unsolicited package pictures, Nice Guys of OkCupid, grammatical errors in messages), not the least of which was ohmygodthepressure.

I'm normally good under pressure. My work requires me to keep my head under tight deadlines and to be able to compartmentalize whatever emotional nonsense I'm dealing with in order to communicate effectively with stakeholders. I've developed enough positive coping mechanisms that I feel I deal with stress efficiently and well. Most of the time. Yet when it comes to interpersonal relationships, the prospect of meeting new people (specifically meeting people for a first day without any kind of real-world knowledge of them) stresses me out to the point where I can't remember an OkCupid first date that I didn't actively dislike. I prefer to date people I already know socially. I've always been this way. 

In January I made a devil's bargain with myself. I was allowed to quit OkCupid if I made a concerted effort to hang out with different people than the gang from the neighborhood. I've already documented the intense relief that came from that decision and even when I have relapse-y moments, I don't regret it in the slightest. Being the kind of person I am, I decided that I had to have some measurable outcomes, so I settled on an average of one activity a week where I wasn't socializing primarily with the gang from South Minneapolis or was trying a new activity.  

It has been ridiculously fun. 

I have a bookclub I adore (attending it is the high point of my week). I got MPR Loud at the Library. I'm going to Prom over the weekend. I'm sitting on a board of directors for a local nonprofit organization. I saw Hamlet live and went to my first stand-up show. Last Friday, over wine and a long, gossipy evening with some of my girlfriends, I confided that this was my new approach to life. 

"Is the purpose to meet dudes?" 

There was some skepticism that I might be able to meet someone outside of a pre-arranged "meeting someone" kind of situation. I paused. 

"No." 

When women (and maybe men, I can't speak for you all) are asked why we're not seeing anyone there's tremendous pressure to come up with a palatable excuse. I'm working on my career right now, I'm really focused on me, I don't want to limit my options. As if there's some kind of shame to just not looking. As though we need to want to be with someone. I can appreciate the sentiment. There are moments when I really wish I was with someone (making crepes on Saturday morning, when I've finished a good comic and I want to immediately give it to someone I love so they'll be equally enamored with it, on Friday night when I realize there are no batteries in the house) but those moments aren't making me crazy, sad, or disappointed. At least, not for long periods. 

I love and enjoy all of the things I've added into my life recently. Talking about books with other people makes me so excited I have a hard time sleeping. I can comfortably chat with the person sitting next to me at the Guthrie about revenge and betrayal in Shakespeare without feeling like I'm struggling to come up with the next sentence. Getting called on at trivia and being the center of attention doesn't make me want to crawl under a chair and die. While none of these things may be the silver bullet to singleness, I'd rather do any of them than spend one more day on OkCupid.