In the sweet by and by

One foot, in front of the other
It's hard as hell these days.
It’s my choice, a case of any color
What makes me walk away?
-Adrienne Young "It's All the Same"


It's a little after two o'clock on a Sunday afternoon, and I'm stretching, albeit, lazily in front of my house. This is the first run I've gone on in almost two weeks because the weather has been so cold my eyelids froze to one another. I'm pretty nervous about this run, because I've been slacking on my cross training as well--not a good idea when you're in training. Meeep.

The weather is warm for a January afternoon, and it feels good to be working out again. My body is certainly making me remember that it hasn't done much over the past couple weeks. My legs feel like lead and my lungs are certainly protesting this sudden burst of exercise.

I'm always amazed by how quickly something can turn from an occasional indulgence, to a habit, to a hobby you enjoy. Five years ago it was smoking. Two months I went for my first run. Funny how life changes.

I haven't been to church since Christmas. I'm not ok with this, and realize that I need to go. Life has been a series of weird troughs lately that I can't seem to scrape myself out of--not that I've been trying very hard. I know how much the mass means to me and I know that I need to go or I need to go to morning prayer or something, but when the time comes to get dressed and walk out the door, I can't bring myself to do it. I don't know if it's spiritual laziness or what, but things are not what the used to be, and I'm not sure why. Part of me can't help but think that I don't want to have the emotional reactions I have during the mass. I'm sick of sitting there wondering if I'm living my life right and thinking that things were so much easier before I was a part of my church. I feel like I'm in the middle of a family feud every Sunday--what wants that from their church? Some days I get so tired of trying to think my way out of questions I have about my faith life that I want to scream. On a good day, I know that all of this is necessary and good, but lately it's just not working. It hasn't been working for ages. I'm not sure what to do when I know that I still believe everything intellectually, but can't fit that in with everything else.

Five years ago I was wandering around, if not an intellectual atheist, certainly more agnostic than Christian. Four years ago this Easter, I will have been confirmed as a Catholic. And now?

Good question.

One thought after another
round and round they go
got to sit still, try to recover.
Breathe in to what I know.
-Adrienne Young