Fat Girl Fashion Rules

Fat Girl Fashion Rules

1. Always wear black. It's slimming and hides all kind of flaws. 
2. No sleeveless tops! Michelle Obama set the bar HIGH for sleeveless, so always have a cute wrap or a fun cardigan with you.  
3. Weigh yourself every day. Base your outfit on how much weight you've gained/lost in the past twelve hours.  

***

"You need to throw out your scale."

"What?"

"Or have your fiance hide it."

"Huh? Wait, why?"

"You also aren't allowed to count calories anymore."

"Are you trying to keep me fat?"

Therapy appointments have been combative recently. 

"Because you fixate on it and do your body more harm than good. I also want you to list five things you like about your body right now."

I cross my arms over my chest like a shitty teenager. And sigh. And roll my eyes. 

"Okay, now it's seven."

"I could pay my mother less to do this."

She eyeballs me. "Do you really want to open that can of worms today?"

"Ugh. Number one . . ."

***

Fat Girl Fashion Rules

1. Disguise your thighs! Never mind that "Thunder Thighs" sounds like an Asgaardian compliment. Hide those thighs! Unless they don't touch. In which case, keep rocking that Diet Coke Diet, girl!
2. Buy some shapewear! The Kardashian gals do it, why shouldn't you? 
3. Invest in sexy lingerie! Regardless of what they say, your boytoy does not want to see you naked. 

***

"Wow."

"Yeah."

"I mean . . . wow."

"We should high five."

"It's usually good, but that was . . ."

"I know, RIGHT?"

It's quiet for a few minutes while we catch our breath. 

"Hey?"

"Yeah?"

"Did your therapist tell you to turn on the light?"

***

Fat Girl Fashion Rules

1. Skinny jeans are for skinny girls. 
2. Channel your fashionable side through getting REALLY GOOD at makeup. BONUS: You can contour away your double chin!
3. Wear things that flatter your body! STYLE INSPIRATION: Fashion forward nuns in the 1950s. 

***

I mean, I get it. I really do. People come in all shapes and sizes. We're brought up in a culture of Photoshop and fast food. Skinniness is not an indication of moral superiority. Forget fashion rules, wear what you want. Love yourself and all your flaws. No, not flaws.  Flaws are being cruel or greedy or arrogant, not being chubby.

I also, you know, live in the world. I listen to my coworkers brag about how far under their calorie count they've managed to say. I remember the long conversation I had with brilliant, funny, beautiful women I knew in graduate school that wasn't about grace or ecclesiology, but was about how badly we all wanted thigh gap.  I've gone into stores that seem to assume that all fat girls want to hide their bodies under yards of fabric, stick to monochromatic clothes, or that we don't deserve anything pretty, fun, or for Christ's sake, that doesn't look like a mumu. 

I do what I can. Every morning I look in the damn mirror and list the seven things I like about myself. I develop both the ability to gently laugh at myself and cry silently in front of the mirror. I leave the light on during sex and don't hyperventilate. I stop getting on the scale, counting calories, and reading Harper's Bazaar. I buy the clothes that I actually want to wear and try to be brave enough to wear them.